How to gain the respect of a more powerful colleague

Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, in many colleague relationships there is a power differential – here’s how to gain the respect of a more powerful colleague

CREDIT: This is an edited version of an article that originally appeared on Harvard Business Review

It’s a deeply frustrating dynamic for those in the ‘inferior’ position — but to develop a mutually respectful relationship with colleagues (and perhaps even claim more relative power), it’s vital to take steps toward rebalancing the equation. With a willingness to assert yourself in creative ways, you develop more agency for yourself, particularly at times when feeling dismissed or dependent.

Research shows there is a ‘Goldilocks’ effect when it comes to assertiveness in interpersonal relationships, where you’re able to hit a sweet spot between being too assertive and not enough. When done properly, healthy dissent can lead to deeper trust and mutual respect. Based on his work as an executive coach for senior leaders at global companies, Nihar Chhaya shares four strategies you can deploy in your relationships to distribute power more evenly.

Choose to decline certain requests

It may feel incredibly challenging to decline a more powerful colleague’s request. But in any interaction, a framing effect takes place where each party is sizing up who has more power and influence.

Since power is comprised of many factors and is situational, even if you find yourself typically powerless relative to a colleague, there do emerge situations where they need something from you just as much as you need them. Even if you’ve always acceded in the past, in occasional moments, it’s important to capitalise on the opportunity to politely refuse the more powerful person’s demands.

Ideally, you want to send a message that you expect them to invest their limited time as well into the relationship. If you are true to the minimum promises you’ve made, then you can confidently hold your ground as an equal partner. This not only encourages them to respect you but forces them to make sacrifices as needed for the relationship as much as you do.

Connect them to other people in power who value you

Another way to shift the power in the relationship is by subtly reminding them of your social value by connecting them to other people they respect, with whom you’ve cultivated a relationship. This does three valuable things: first, it shows them (through the principle of social proof) that you must have something to offer if people they admire see value in you; second, it may tip the scales in your relationship dynamic because you possess access they’d like to enjoy; and third, it sends a signal that you already have high-profile access, so are not desperate to chase their approval.

Help them surface their blind spots as a way of supporting them

Even the most powerful people can’t see themselves exactly the way other people perceive them. In other words, they have blind spots just like the rest of us. And when you can help them gently recognise an aspect of their thinking or behaviour that is getting in the way of their goals, they can begin to view you as a highly trusted partner, rather than someone below their level.

Make them work to earn your attention

Gaining the respect of colleagues more powerful than you is an interesting paradox: by putting them in a position to work for your approval, you earn more of their respect. So, a fourth strategy is to create conditions where they must ‘sell’ their value to you. Basically, work less at earning their respect and put the burden on them to explain why they should be worth your attention.

The natural mistake many people make in these situations is to overprepare for the questions they think they will be asked and try their best to hedge their answers to please the hiring colleague. This seems like the path of least resistance but in fact positions them as forgettable and unremarkable in the eyes of the other party.

Instead, find ways to be generous with your answers but unafraid to also ask questions that put them a bit on their heels. When your colleague asks you that oft-repeated question, ‘Why should we hire you for this job?’ your first instinct may be to prove your value to their satisfaction, even though you and they know that most everyone is applying for jobs because of the reorganisation, not because they wanted to try something new.

Instead, take a beat and say something like, ‘Actually, I’m not sure you should hire me just yet. I’d like to explore if there’s a mutual fit between my experience and your vision of where this team is going. Anything you could share about your management style would be helpful as I’m exploring my next steps.’

Expecting people in power to ‘earn’ your interest rather than take it for granted can bring positive results. Not only can it set you apart from the competition, but it can ensure you are working with colleagues who respect you rather than keep you under their power and whims.

When you are stuck in an unequal power dynamic, it helps to remember that not only is the placement of power temporary, but you can equalise it. By adopting these strategies, you can creatively pivot in the moment and frame the connection differently, so that you are building the respect you deserve.