Emotional invalidation can be harmful – here are some ways to communicate when you feel that your emotions are being invalidated and alternative avenues for support
CREDIT: This is an edited version of an article that originally appeared on Happiful
Imagine you’re having a rough time. You decide to turn to a friend and lay out all your emotions over a cup of tea, explaining how totally deflated, frustrated and overwhelmed you feel, hoping that they will relate. However, instead of soothing words of encouragement or affirmations that they understand how you feel, they minimise and dismiss your emotions by saying you are oversensitive, insisting that you shouldn’t feel the way you do or informing you that your problems are too small and insignificant to even worry about. They may even offer unsolicited advice that suggests that you’re the one at fault. Their comments may make you feel stifled, frustrated and silenced – or worse than you did before, and silly for even bringing the problem up.
This is ‘emotional invalidation’ in action – the process of ignoring, denying or minimising another person’s feelings. It happens when we turn to other people for support and understanding and instead find that our feelings aren’t taken seriously. “When someone invalidates your experiences, they dismiss, deny or reject your thoughts and feelings and, often, this can leave you feeling undervalued and ignored,” says Rachel Vora, psychotherapist and founder of CYP Wellbeing.
Why do people do it?
Emotional invalidation may not always be intentional. “People can unintentionally minimise, or make light of, our emotions for several reasons,” explains Rachel. “It’s often people who are uncomfortable dealing with their own emotions who unintentionally invalidate the emotions of others. For example, people who find dealing with their emotions difficult often adopt unhealthy strategies such as distraction, denial and avoidance.”
At other times they may want to make you feel better so their immediate reaction is to try and make the problem seem smaller; no-one likes to see their loved ones in pain and most of us will do anything to make that pain go away – including dismissing it or making it appear less significant – but even if they have your best intentions at heart, having your emotions invalidated can hurt.
“Emotional invalidation can leave you feeling as though your emotions are unimportant,” says Rachel. “You can feel confused, start to question your own emotions, and criticise yourself for feeling a certain way.”
What can you do about it?
Remain true to your feelings: “Use the phrase ‘I feel’ to keep the focus on what you are feeling. When listening to someone else’s problems, people can often focus on their own feelings; using ‘I feel’ statements will make them less likely to ignore or undermine your emotions,” Rachel advises.
Identity what you need: if it’s appropriate, you can explain at the start of the conversation what you need from your friend. Do you just want a listening ear, or are you looking for solutions? Do you want someone to relate to your problems or are you crying out for some reassurance? Figure this out before you broach the subject, and let the listener know.
Know when to stop trying: Rachel points out that not everyone will be equipped to deal with your emotions. “People often lack the insight or time to understand others. It can take great courage to hear and see someone else’s emotions, and not everyone feels able to do this.”
With this in mind, it can be helpful to remember their reaction says more about them than it does about you. It doesn’t mean your experiences aren’t valid, just that the person listening to them doesn’t necessarily have the tools to offer you the right support.
Alternative avenues
If you feel that you aren’t being listened to, you can find support elsewhere. “Seeking professional help, such as therapy, can be useful to create a space where you do feel heard and accepted,” says Rachel. “Likewise, physical activity, such as yoga or gym classes, can be a healthy way of releasing pent-up emotions – and expressing your feelings creatively can be very powerful, through art, journaling, or music.”
Often, we turn to others for reassurance us that our thoughts and feelings are reasonable and acceptable, but you can give yourself that feeling of validation too, by listening to your emotions.
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