Being More Assertive Without The Guilt

Learning to be more assertive is key to expressing your needs confidently and setting healthy boundaries, without feeling guilty or compromising your wellbeing

CREDIT: This is an edited version of an article that originally appeared in Self

Being assertive should, in theory, be straightforward. It’s simply expressing what you want, when you want it. Yet, many of us hesitate, fearing that we’ll come across as bossy, rude, or confrontational. Instead, we tend to over-explain, apologise for our opinions, or even remain silent – all behaviours that undermine our confidence and fail to communicate our true intentions.

From a young age, many of us are taught to prioritise harmony and politeness, often at the expense of self-expression. As a result, speaking up can feel like stepping out of line. But constantly holding back or being overly agreeable can take a toll on your personal and professional life, leading to feelings of being overlooked, taken advantage of, or even resentment when your needs get pushed aside.

Silence drains both your relationships and, most importantly, your wellbeing. Here, we list some practical steps to help you become more assertive, enabling you to express your needs confidently and set healthy boundaries without guilt or hesitation.

Stop Apologising

A simple but effective way to sound more assertive is to remove hedging language from your vocabulary. Phrases like “I think,” “I feel like,” or “I guess” often dilute your message before you’ve even made your point. Instead, state your needs confidently. For example, rather than saying, “Sorry to be a nag, but could you let me know when that report will be ready?” try, “I need this report to be able to finish the project, the deadline is the end of this week – is there any reason this won’t be achievable?”

Avoid Over-Explaining

It’s common to feel the need to justify your stance with a long list of reasons. But experts agree that less is more. Over-explaining can weaken your message, make you appear less assertive and leave room for debate or pushback. Instead, be concise and direct with your response. You don’t need to apologise or over-elaborate – simply state your point and move forward.

For example, if you’re asking for time off from work, rather than saying, “I was thinking that I might need a break soon because I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately and I have a lot going on, so maybe taking a few days off would help, but I understand if it’s not possible right now…” you could simply say, “I’d like to take time off from this date to this date to recharge.”

Let Go of Guilt

The feeling of guilt – the nagging sense of “Did I do something wrong?” – can be a powerful force that prevents us from asserting ourselves. However, guilt is a natural response when you set boundaries. Rather than letting it hold you back, counter it with compassionate self-talk. Validate your feelings by reminding yourself why you’re asserting yourself in the first place. For instance, “I’m asking for this raise because I’ve worked hard and deserve recognition” or “I’m communicating my needs because I value honest, authentic relationships.” Remind yourself that setting boundaries is healthy and necessary for maintaining balance in your life.

Being assertive isn’t about being aggressive or rude – it’s about clearly and confidently expressing your needs and desires without guilt or hesitation. With practice, you can overcome the fear of being perceived as bossy or confrontational and start advocating for yourself in a way that feels authentic and empowering.