What is the ‘tend and befriend’ response?

A different stress response – one which you might not have heard of – could be at play when people experience feeling nervous or apprehensive

CREDIT: This is an edited version of an article that originally appeared on Aspire Leadership

It was not that long ago that nearly all animal stress response research was conducted on male animals; this changed in 2000 when Shelley Taylor observed a different stress response in female humans and animals. She dubbed this response, ‘tend and befriend’, and it has been referred to by others as the ‘appease’ response.

The observed stress response in men involves a release of the stress hormones noradrenaline (or norepinephrine) and cortisol – we’ve all heard of an ‘adrenaline rush’ or an ‘adrenaline junkie’. Shelley observed that female subjects produced oestrogen and oxytocin; oxytocin is generally associated with love and social bonding. Her findings tied in with observations of female primates who, in the face of danger, rely on social networks and nurture their young.

Handling a different stress response in the workplace

Shelley and other researchers identified this ‘tend and befriend’ behaviour in women; however, in practice, it seems that this response can be experienced across the gender spectrum. For example, on our presentation skills and assertiveness courses we find there are some men who definitely relate to ‘tend and befriend’ and, of course, some women who don’t at all – whatever your sex or gender, (especially if you know you experience the need to ‘tend and befriend’ when you are nervous), here is one thing we recommend.

Imagine you’re hosting a party

That’s right; we’d like you to imagine you’re hosting a party and take your attention off yourself and onto your guests.

If you are delivering a presentation, then your guests are your audience. Try to focus on what they need. What can you do to help them get the most out of the presentation?
Perhaps you are nervous about having a difficult conversation at work. Try focusing on how this conversation could best serve the person you are talking to, or your team as a whole; what do you want them to walk away thinking and feeling?

Using this technique can help calm your nerves and allow you to deliver a great presentation.