We all experience jealousy from time-to-time – but what if it starts to hurt our friendships?
CREDIT: This is an edited version of an article that originally appeared on Happiful
Four-in-five of us (79.4%) have felt envy in the last year, and those of us aged 30 and younger are the most likely to experience it. Whether we feel a twinge of envy over how successful our friends’ careers are, or feel envious over a friend’s bigger house, more frequent holidays, or more fruitful love life, envy and jealousy are feelings that can not only leave us feeling uncomfortable, but can damage our relationships, too.
How can jealousy damage my relationships?
If left unaddressed, even the best of relationships can be negatively impacted by excessive jealousy. One of the most common causes of jealousy between friends can revolve around money. Our finances are one of the greatest causes of anxiety for us in the UK, with 30% of us saying money causes us more anxiety than anything else, and a third of us feel stressed, primarily due to money.
Despite this, many of us are reluctant to open up and talk about money with our friends due to embarrassment, fear of being judged, or even jealousy. Understanding and acknowledging that there will be differences in what you and your friends earn is important. While wanting what your friends have can be a perfectly normal thing, it’s when those feelings of envy turn to resentment that it can begin damaging relationships and causing problems.
Counselling Directory member, and expert in passive-aggressive behaviour, Andrea Harrn, explains more about the causes of envy.
Being jealous of others’ possessions, financial status, or perceived luck are all possible reasons why we may feel envy. It’s important to examine, and identify, the possible underlying causes which could be fuelling these feelings – for example, insecurity, feelings of not being good enough, unrealistic life expectations, or even a warped perception of how to be truly happy can all fuel feelings of envy.
Feeling left out of situations or friendships, seeing others being offered more opportunities than we have had, or even seeing friends being luckier than us can all make us feel jealous. But how do these feelings affect our relationships? They can fuel unhelpful behaviours which can harm not only ourselves but others, too. As Andrea explains,“Unhelpful behaviours fuelled by envy include malicious acts (spoiling things for others), gossiping, putting them down, or being two-faced. Trying to outdo, or beat, others in underhand ways, wishing others to fail rather than thinking of your own ways to succeed, or manipulating situations and people for your own advantage are also common features.
“Unhelpful jealous behaviours also include comparing yourself with others, having confrontations, feeling entitled to make demands on others, or making assumptions about other people’s behaviour and lives.”
Although jealousy is a common emotion, that doesn’t make it a pleasant one to experience. Over time, it can begin to negatively impact your overall sense of wellbeing and could even take its toll on your mental health. What can we do to put out wellbeing first, without damaging our relationships?
How to deal with jealousy within friendships
Relationship expert at Condoms UK, James Thomas, shares his top tips for keeping your friendships intact despite the ways jealousy and envy may be affecting us.
Practice honesty
Fostering an open, honest friendship can help everyone to better understand each other, despite differing perspectives. From the outside, our friends’ lives – or even our own – can look ‘perfect’, as we often don’t show our struggles or bad days on social media. Sharing openly and honestly can help to create a safe space where everyone feels comfortable sharing how they feel.
Avoid confrontation
While you can’t control others’ behaviour, you can do your best to control yourself. Avoid starting confrontations as a result of feelings of jealousy or, if they do arise, try not to hit back. Remain calm and try to find the root cause of any feelings of envy. “Jealousy is often a result of deep insecurities that have nothing to do with you,” James explains. “Finding this out will diffuse the situation and reduce any overthinking.
“If tension becomes difficult to deal with, it might be wise to take some time apart. Having a break will help both of you to put everything into perspective, and allow everyone to remind themselves of the root of your friendship. Sometimes friends can take bonds for granted, and fail to realise the bigger picture of their actions.”
Acknowledge the issue
Burying your head in the sand is unlikely to help. Feelings of jealousy – and any resulting problems – will still be there, waiting to rear up when we least expect them. Ignoring problems often results in making the issues worse. Pretending there isn’t jealousy within a relationship can cause feelings to fester, leading to resentment over time. If your friendship is important, find a time that feels right, take a deep breath, and take the plunge. Speaking about the issues can only help to strengthen your relationship.
Give it time
The underlying feelings that lead us to feeling jealousy don’t happen overnight – and neither do the solutions. Having a conversation with friends where either of you are experiencing jealousy is just the beginning. Take a step back, allow emotions to settle, and take the space needed for everyone to really acknowledge how they are feeling.
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