The biggest mistake in communication

Fliss Wingrove, Psycholinguist, Language Mastery Coach and Trainer, and Founder of The Ultimate Advantage, shares how being deliberate, reliable, and authentic in our communications can truly galvanise a workforce, create confidence company-wide, and ensure you’re understood exactly as you intend

“Growing up I was told to speak to people how I would want to be spoken to. Which is great advice on the face of it. It engenders empathy, right? Sadly no. And it’s one of the biggest mistakes that we all make communications-wise. Speak to people how *you* want to be spoken to and you’re firmly overlaying your filters, your preferences, and your biases on them.

“It’s the equivalent of getting off the Eurostar, stepping foot on French soil, and shouting loudly and slowly in English, then getting frustrated when people don’t understand what you’re saying to them. Wouldn’t it be more powerful to take responsibility for your message landing and instead learn how to meet the person (or people) you’re communicating with where *they* are?

“And that’s why we should speak to people in a way that *they* want to be spoken to – and communicated with more widely. Not only is it absolutely the right thing to do, but it’s also a smart move commercially. Your message lands, you avoid misunderstanding, miscommunication, and mis-steps. And when you get really good at it, you often become the most compelling person in the room.

“We need to recognise that it’s wholly our responsibility that our message lands exactly as we intend. The onus is on us to make any communication a win: win. And in a healthcare setting, where the communication partner may be feeling vulnerable or anxious, it’s essential for us all to sharpen up our skills.

Individual preferences

“Many of us have experienced information overwhelm at one time or another – either trying to decipher all relevant points from a tsunami of content, or frantically searching for the additional detail after receiving a one-line explanation.

“That’s because the person communicating with us has delivered exactly what *they* would have needed. And yet we’re all perfectly individual and we each have our own preference in terms of the density or depth of information that we require to understand a message. Not only do we run the risk of our message not landing, but it can feel that we’re deliberately being awkward and withholding information from the other person. Or that we don’t know what we’re talking about and have a poor understanding. Or else, that we’re incapable of talking top-line and don’t have the confidence to drop the detail.

Your truth is not the truth

 “This perfect uniqueness is caused by the vastly different ways in which we each view the world. Two individuals facing each other could look at the same diamond in front of them – noting its colour, its shape, and the way it reflects the light. Potentially, they’d have drastically alternative perceptions of it, because their views are different. Neither are wrong – it’s their own truth. But it’s absolutely not *the* truth.

Put into practice

“Miscommunication, misunderstanding, and a misalignment of styles is the most common cause of disconnect. But simply taking the time to recognise what works for you communications-wise and bringing awareness to your preferences (and seeing them as such) can revolutionise the conversations you have – one-to-one and one-to-many, on email, on the phone, and in person. Add in to that a recognition of what someone else might need, and move towards that need from wherever you are, and you’re getting into the realms of genuine rapport, compelling comms, and masterful use of language.

“Even just focusing on the level of detail that’s needed can be a great first step. Start big-picture and see when someone has had sufficient (they’ll show you physiological signs like closing off their body language, blinking more rapidly, or drifting away attention-wise). Aim to brief as you would a web page – start with a compelling headline, give a paragraph of more detail, add some tangibles as the equivalent of bullet points, and end with the offer of your ‘click here for more information’.

“After all, bringing a conscious awareness to what’s actually going on for people provides us with a powerful window into their world. And once we understand their filters, their triggers, and their truths, we can navigate a clear course to the ultimate end-goal: a compelling, authentic, and grounded exchange, where all parties feel heard, seen, and understood.”