How to get over your fear of giving negative feedback

Nobody likes giving tough feedback, but it’s the only way we’re ever going to grow and progress – find out how to overcome your fear of handing it out here

CREDIT: This is an edited version of an article that originally appeared on Harvard Business Review

A lack of constructive feedback is detrimental to your team, depriving them of mentorship and growth opportunities. And workplaces marked by poor communication and unclear expectations are breeding grounds for low trust and disengagement. Giving feedback is essential to being an effective leader.

Challenge binary thinking

Many leaders who avoid confrontation carry assumptions like, “no one likes a micromanager,” or “bringing up this issue will ruin our working relationship.” While these beliefs may stem from past experiences with rejection and failure, they reflect inaccurate, binary thinking. In actuality, it’s possible to be both assertive and direct without damaging relationships or earning a reputation as the “difficult manager.” 

Instead, focus on what you could gain by speaking up and the potential rewards of clear communication. Not only will voicing your thoughts help you feel more confident, but: 

• Your input may be exactly what’s needed to drive a challenging assignment to completion
• That candid comment you make to a coworker about their disruptive behavior could result in a more peaceful, productive work environment.
• Your constructive criticism could help a team member develop and grow in their role, opening up new career opportunities

When you look more closely, you’ll see that expressing your thoughts, feelings, and opinions is far more beneficial than stuffing them down and suffering the consequences.

See feedback as a tool

Despite what you may believe, your team craves meaningful, candid feedback. While 72% of employees rated “managers providing critical feedback” as important for them in career development, only five percent believe managers provide such feedback. Likewise, when team members don’t think their boss is great at giving honest feedback, their engagement scores typically take a nosedive. But on the flip side, leaders who rank in the top 10% at giving honest feedback create teams that rank in the top 23% of engagement. 

It’s not fair to deprive your team of information they need to grow. When you reframe conflict as a healthy, normative part of leadership, it loosens the anticipatory anxiety you may feel broaching difficult topics with others. Next time you have to give feedback, take a deep breath and remember, you’re not causing a conflict, you’re guiding your people toward growth. You’re not criticising; you’re nurturing. And you’re certainly not being a villain; you’re being the leader they need.

Anticipate eventualities

Fear of the unknown or wondering how the recipient will react can hold many leaders back from ever speaking up. What if your direct report becomes defensive and lashes out at you? What if they start crying? 

You can calm your anxiety and handle uncertainty using the worst case/best case/most likely tool. Consider the worst that could happen. If your employee cries, for example, how would you handle it? Perhaps you’d take a time out. Then consider the best that could possibly happen to foster more optimism. Finally, consider what is most likely, which is usually somewhere between the two extremes. 

Start strong

You can also ease your whirlwind of thoughts by planning your opening. Being in control from the get-go can provide a confidence boost and allows you to set a respectful tone for the conversation.

Using “I” statements whenever possible helps ensure you communicate directly without vacillating or minimising your concerns simply because you’re scared. Being specific is also important. Rather than saying, “You dropped the ball again,” try saying, “I’m concerned that I didn’t get the documents in time for the client meeting today.”

Make feedback part of the process

Feedback should be a regular ritual, not an occasional blast. Making feedback a habit ensures the tiny annoyances and frustrations you harbour don’t blow up into major conflicts. Plus, gradually exposing yourself to fearful situations is the best way to overcome them. The more you practice giving feedback in lower-stakes, everyday scenarios as part of your role, the better at it you’ll become.  

A great way to systematise feedback is through regular one-on-ones with your team. You can also schedule project debriefs where team members can reflect, or pre-mortems where people can discuss in advance any risks, potential problems, and flesh out how they’ll work with one another. 

Creating a positive feedback culture will give you opportunities to flex your newfound assertiveness skills while also strengthening rapport and trust with your team. And that, as a leader, is one of the best things you can hope for.