When Being Good Becomes a Burden

Exhausted from always trying to do the ‘right’ thing? It could be ‘moral perfectionism’…

CREDIT: This is an edited version of an article that originally appeared in Happiful

Wanting to live in line with strong morals is undoubtedly a positive thing – in fact, a 2019 BBC survey found that 70% of people in the UK believe having a moral framework is important. But the rise of performative moralism, particularly on social media, has left many feeling under constant pressure to appear flawless. From “perfect wife” influencers to entrepreneurs flaunting their 4am wake-ups and sunrise affirmations, these curated routines are often less about inspiration and more about comparison – leaving you feeling like you’re not doing enough, or not good enough, simply because you’re not living up to their version of ‘perfect.’

What is Moral Perfectionism?

Most people are familiar with perfectionism – that constant drive to do everything without a single mistake. Moral perfectionism, however, takes a different form. It’s the urge to always do the “right” or “just” thing, coupled with the anxiety of being seen as a bad person if you fall short. For instance, you might find yourself replaying a casual remark you made to a friend, agonising for hours over whether it could have come across as offensive or caused hurt.

Coping Mechanism and Avoidance

Striving to be morally right can feel rewarding. For some people, moral perfectionism even serves as a coping mechanism, giving them a sense of purpose and helping them channel their energy into meaningful actions. But even when it stems from compassion and results in good deeds, moral perfectionism carries hidden risks. Like other forms of perfectionism, it can tip into obsession, where the drive to always “do good” becomes relentless and exhausting. Part of what makes it difficult to recognise is that it often looks like a positive trait – we convince ourselves we’re just trying to be better people, when in reality, we may be pushing ourselves into guilt, burnout, or self-criticism.

Adding to this pressure are the social expectations we face today. In a world of online commentary and constant visibility, many people fear being judged or “called out” if they fail to meet a certain standard of goodness.

How to Spot Harmful Habits

While moral perfectionism can be tricky and insidious, some common warning signs exist:

• Emotional distress (increased anxiety, guilt, shame, self-blame, anger, loneliness)
• Depression and burnout (exhaustion, a lack of motivation, emotional numbness)
• Social withdrawal
• Viewing mistakes as unacceptable failures
• Feelings of compulsion and obsession, in which you spend excessive time, energy, or money on pursuing moral perfectionism

So, how do you break free from moral perfectionism?

Acknowledge the Problem

Start paying attention to when moral perfectionism shows up in your life. It might appear as the need to over-apologise, lingering guilt over a small mistake, or rigid, all-or-nothing ideas about what’s right and wrong. In the moment, these urges can feel like scratching an itch – but it’s worth asking yourself whether they’re starting to take over. What are they really giving you, and what are they taking away?

Constantly criticising yourself for not being “perfect” can wear down your self-esteem. A gentler approach is to acknowledge the positive things you’ve already done – try making a list as a reminder of your impact. Learning to balance your wellbeing with your moral values takes practice, but it’s a skill that can bring more peace and sustainability to the way you live.